Wednesday, April 20, 2011

one of those days?


i guess it's just one of those days, where nothing seems to turn out right. everything's messed up, and no matter how much i laugh and laugh and just try to be happy, i find myself wandering off, with a frown on my face, and realize, that i'm still not okay.

what is this feeling? i've never felt so much hatred in me. i wake up, feeling empty. what am i living for? nothing. whispers the voice in my head. i push that thought away. i have so much to live for. my family. my friends. God.

family? i feel myself growing distant again. i can't stand being in the same room with them. i don't like the conversations going on (mostly nagging anyways). that's why i tend to steer away. i don't want to converse with them.

it's been days living like this. waking up, once again feeling pointless. i'm still tired but i don't feel like sleeping anymore. but then, i don't feel like waking up either. what am i to do if i wake up? eat my breakfast? yeah, but after that? what? TV? yeah, good good. online? yeah that's nice. until everything online gets boring. and i'm left with nothing to do. nothing to occupy my mind.

i kinda like this feeling. hiding in my house, in my own space. not letting anyone see me, see how sad i am. how clueless i am. absorbing my lifeless soul into television series one after another. drowning myself in games. distracting myself from what i should really be doing -- studying. mid term tomorrow Melo, have you forgotten? no no, i do remember. i'm just in no mood for studying.

this thought occurred to me last night: why is God so unfair? He gave me so much. loving family. three brothers who colored my life, (like a crayon painting y'know. messy, but still, beautiful.) He gave me wealth, wisdom (which i haven't been putting to good use). A nice house to live in. food. everything. everything is provided. but, BUT, why did He give me an ungrateful heart? why did He made everyone around me, so much better off? yes, that is honestly what i think. and i can't help but compare. yes my life is better  than so many others, but .. it's just so obvious how selfish and ungrateful i am.

and as selfish as this sounds, i don't want to talk about what's happening to me. because i know nobody's going through what i'm going through. everyone around me is happy. if i tell them, they would judge. as selfish as it sounds, i want somebody who's in a way worse situation than i am, so that i can listen, and feel better about my life. yes, i am that selfish. i can't even look at myself. 

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