Sunday, November 15, 2009

I screwed up

no idea what's going through my mind these past few days...
last night was a wake up call.
I guess?

fought with my bro.
you should have been there.
stand outside the gates or something, I bet you could hear us shouting a mile away :(

everything's just so messed up.
there's so much on my mind, I don't know who I am anymore...
one thing my brother said to me, it really made me go 'wow'. I never knew, it's just that.. the thought never occured to me.
he said: you're always like this. you're always shouting at me. raising your voice.

the way he said it, the hurt in his voice.. gahh.
no words could describe how guilty I felt after hearing it

that got me thinking..
every time my parents shouted at me or raised their voice, I too would feel bad. that made me feel worse cos now I know how he felt. but ahhhh !
everything was said and done.
we shouted at each other. and after that we both cried. and I rushed to my room. and...
that's when I realized, I lost.

why did I even shout at him in the first place?
it's just that, there are some things that gets me really pissed, some things, that I'm more sensitive bout. haix.
I'm the selfish one. come to think of it, I've never think of how others would feel.
the way I treat them, it's like, I don't know...
I don't know anything anymore. who am I? what have I become? am I the old me? or have I changed for the worse?

the answer's still the same:


last night made me realize alot of things.
knowing that I'm a bitch is one.
finding out that I'm a lonely bitch is another.

there I was, crying my heart out, without a clue of how to feel, what to think, and how to fix it. I was all alone... at least my brother had his friends. unlike him, I had no one.
my parents weren't home (not that I'd consider running to them with this matter), but still...
I picked up my phone, thinking of who to msg, and tell them what happened. but..

there was no one...
I'm all alone.
who should I run to with this matter? I don't know... I was never good at expressing myself.
everything, I kept to myself. I've forgotten what happened, or when it happened, when, did I stop believing? when, did I stop trusting? it's been a while, I guess. I just can't trust anyone that easily... especially things that are just too.... important ? not only that, I don't want to be a burden to anyone.
I put on a happy face every time I go out. and hide myself in my room when nobody's watching. drown myself in tears. though it's been a while since I last cried...
what do I want??
whom to turn to? who would willingly listen, without thinking of me as a burden...
who who who...

I'm all alone.
why do I distance myself away sometimes?