what have i done?

Hamsters live on the ground in grassy desert terrain. They have poor eyesight and have practically no sense of height. They are so small and soft that a fall will not hurt them like it would a bigger animal. A two foot fall will not hurt him at all.

Now I don't recommend this, but I had one that I took to work that walked off a table on the second floor and fell down onto a concrete floor, maybe 18 feet below. It was stunned for a while, but survived and seemed alright, but my buddy thinks it has always been slower than the one that did not fall. He now also thinks air holes do not have to be tampered with and made twice as big as the hamsters themselves. Anyway, I'd say that eighteen feet is about the limit. I think any higher, like twenty feet would have killed it for sure.

I'll continue this when I'm feeling better... ok?
not feeling any better. just.... well. I felt that if I don't blog about it, then it's like, hiding from a crime I did. y'know?

ahh.. so here it goes..

one of my hamster's in a critical stage now.. all thanks to me. if only I was more careful, or something. if only.. well, if only I didn't brought it out of the cage in the first place!

I took it out, my hand slipped, and you know what happened next..
there it was, lying on the floor. i was so freaked out i wanted to cry. at first it kept squirming in pain. I quickly bend down, tried to scoop her up to see how she was..

but she kept pushing me away, turning here and there, not letting me hold her.. i thought she did that cos she was in pain, but now thinking back.. I realized, she did that, because she doesn't even want me to touch her.

i watched her lying on the floor, looking so helpless. i didn't know what to do. so the first thing I did was pray that she'll make it!
I thought she was gonna die for sure.. omg that feeling was so scary.
for i don't know how long, i sat beside her, watching for any movement.. hoping for a miracle.. touching her fur, trying my best to assure her that everything'll be alright..
 assuring myself too, that everything'll be alright.

then to my horror, her nose started bleeding wtf. I started to panic, rushed into the house, took some tissues to stop the bleeding..
at that point, I thought she was gonna die for sure..

oh my gosh... it was the worse feeling ever.

worst part is, she fell sideways, so it's like, one of her eye crashed into the floor..  and
i.think.she's.blind
my God.. what kind of a person am i???
every time the scene flashes thru my head, I feel like crying. i have a feeling that I might go blind some day... karma, no?




i feel so guilty, causing her so so much pain... she didn't deserve it.. and I don't deserve to be sitting here typing, unharmed. I wish she bit me just now, at least it'll make me feel better. I can't bear to look at them hamsters anymore..
they know.. I can see it in their eyes.. the way they look at me.. they hate me... and I don't blame them one bit.. omg


.. i'm really hoping for a miracle now.. and that she makes thru this alive..

please?


xxxx

*edit*

she died this morning.. (3/2/2010,Wedsnesday)
we haven't even named her yet.. haix.. cried my eyes out... still haven't buried her yet. maybe will let bro bury her.. next to Bean Bean..
rest in peace both of you.  next time when I die too, I wanna see you two in heaven waiting for me arh!
(: