emo

i feel good, but i don't feel so good either. y'know?

i feel like i'm.. actually, i don't know how to describe this feeling.

or maybe i just don't want to say it out loud because i'm in denial.
(btw this pic looks so scandalous)

i know i shouldn't care what other people might think about me. but that's the thing - i do care.
and i feel fucking insecure. hoping that people will like me.

why am i like this? :(

(lol @ Serena and Nate's expressions)
i want to be happy. be goofy. and ignore what other people think of me, as long as i'm happy with who/what i've become.
but how can you be goofy and happy, when you're all alone?

(ahh i forgot that Chuck used to dress this cutely back in season 1)
yess i do feel alone. it's like everyone is leaving. it's that feeling all over again.

(Lily Humphrey/Bass/Van Der Woodsen.. so effortlessly pretty)
what'll happen to me, once everyone is gone? will i be able to survive on my own? ... *sigh

i don't want to continue anymore... suxks to be me.

and i don't want to work in Zaika!! the uniform is fugly. ughhhh

(i cried so bad during this scene)
i tried feeling better, but deep inside i still feel this void .. a part of me feels so empty, so alone.
i wish i had someone who i can count on all the time, a best friend. who'd be there for me.
i don't like threesomes because someone gets left out (guaranteed)
i want friendship like Serena and Blair (excluding all the cat fights and back stabbing of course)

i want someone who is a decision maker, a planner, because i suck at both. i'm more of a follower than a leader.
i feel like i have no more friends left.
what will become of me once everyone leaves to further their studies?
i'll be all alone. with zero friends. just like Blair when she was at NYU.
but at least Blair had Dorota. i don't have a maid who supports and encourages me!!! wtf

it's like every time a friend of mine returns and we have gatherings, my 'happiness level' gets recharged.
then during the time when everybody leaves.. i feel down.
all this insecurity is killing me. :S

ok imma stop thinking nonsense.
you won't end up friendless okk you have tonnes of friends!! and even if they all leave, you can make new friends. << that was me talking to myself.
sighhhhhhh.
i suck at knowing new people. i really do. :(

come, be friends with me leh!
i feel so sad.. :C