i need a miracle

nobody understands. what if i really fail? what will i do then? switch course?
sounds like a good plan, since i never really liked engineering.
but... sometimes i think to myself: if others can, why can't I?

then when i think bout dad, and how disappointed he'll be.. it's just impossible to hold back the tears..
*sigh.

i can do this, right?




*updateeee*

hey! why should i feel sad and blue about something that hasn't even happened yet, right?
like everyone said, i should stay positive. everyone else believes in me, then shouldn't i believe in myself as well?


thank you everyone for believing in me. i shouldn't look down on myself. stay positive... yeah i really should.

had a talk with mum just now. i told her, what will happen if i really fail?
like, this is only the first year of degree, and already i fail, what about the year after? surely the course will get harder and harder right?

she said, you want to change course is it?
and i said i don't know... haha

cos i really have no clue of what i want.
i'm really envious of those people who know exactly what they want, what course they're gonna take, what job they wanna have. once they have goals, they work hard to make it reality.

unlike me, if asked what i want in life, my answer is always 'i don't know?' *shake shoulder*
apuhhh..


yesterday during the tennis competition, i screwed up as well. i'm always like that.. so nervous my legs were shaking, literally. i lost all of the matches that i joined. i was bringing the team down :(
i was so angry with myself. if i did my best but lost, then it would have been okay. but no.
i screwed up as always. i know i can play better than that!

so i walked  to the benches dejectedly. i expected dad to scold me, shout at me for being so lousy.
but no. he patted my shoulder and said, "it's okay. as long as you had fun. and don't be so nervous, play your usual game. you're good and i know it."
i was so so touched after hearing that..


had a break during lunch and we went home. i almost wanted to give up. i wanted to stay at home and not go back.
but of course dad forced me to go back  -___-
so i did. thank goodness i did. cos we won the match. haha! at friggin long last! i was so happy.
finally i proved to myself that i'm not that shitty. and that i can actually win a match. that victory meant so much to me. it really did.

and i was lucky to meet so many wonderful people too. everyone on my team were so supportive. they didn't look at me as a burden, really so touching.
plus my partner was a very jolly person. she's so positive seeing her being so positive puts a smile on my face :D

and on the way home, i told dad how happy i was. hehe
he was happy for me too! ^_^
and he said, "like i said, you're a good player. if you're not good i won't tell you you're good okay."
me: who say cannot? you can say i'm good to cheer me up ma! 
dad: aiya. if you're not good, then i will say something like 'practice more'. better than telling you you're good when you're not. 

haha! made me laugh C:




God is very generous to me. he's always been there supporting me. and i know i can do this as well. i know i can. as long as i believe in myself. everyone else does, so why should i doubt myself?


thank you for believing in me. i will never give up on myself. i know i can do this.

finally i have a goal in my life - i'm gonna be an engineer.
not only for my mum and dad, but for myself as well. :)