tired

you know what? i'm tired of everything.

i'm tired of getting my hopes up, just to be disappointed all over again.
i'm tired of getting angry because you won't let me do anything. and by anything, i mean everything.
i'm tired of being the black horse. always the one who can't make it to gatherings.
i'm tired of being the clueless one. not knowing what to do every fucking time.
i'm tired of being the burden everyone else has to carry.
i'm tired of being such bitch all the time.
i'm tired of my mood swings, how i get jealous for this and that.
i'm tired of my low self esteem, always thinking that i'm not good enough, that i don't deserve this i don't deserve that.
i'm tired of all the insecurities i'm feeling.
i'm tired of how lazy i am when it comes to my studies.
i'm tired of lying to dad saying that i am doing my best in my studies when in fact - i am not.
i'm tired of pretending to like what i'm going to do in the future - become an engineer.
i'm tired of life. when will it fucking end?


and no. i'm not suicidal. DON'T WORRY.
i'm just t.i.r.e.d.




i still can't believe mum said no. she wasn't this protective last time! last time she never even cared if i went out. she just say "don't care you lah."
 now?

hmmph. this cannot that cannot. everything cannot.
she didn't even give me this weeks' allowance because she was upset with me. wtf?
how come my bro got. ??
how come the way you talk to him is nicer than the way you talk to me?
how come he can go out late i cannot?
how come every time he says something, your answer is always yes?
how come you told him he's handsome, but never once did i hear you say i'm pretty. ?
how come other people's mum bring them out shopping together, but you won't even bring me grocery shopping cos you're afraid of the way i spend?
how come other people can talk to their mum about everything, but i can't even get your attention to listen to me speak?
how come i can't feel that you love me?


i know sometimes i'm irresponsible.
i know sometimes i overspend.
i know sometimes i have too much fun and neglect everything else.

but aren't you supposed to love me despite my flaws?
even if i'm ugly? fat? stupid?
well you should. but you don't.
you never appreciate me for who i am, what i've done.

oh God, this post shouldn't even be here. it should be in my private blog.
but like i said, i'm tired. or maybe i'm just lazy to move this post there.

maybe,

i
just
don't
fucking
care.



so there.